THIS IS WHAT MY TWITTER WOULD LOOK LIKE IF I HAD ONE.

 1:  Technically, isn't every photo a throwback? 

2: Poosting: The posting of stupid shit. 

3: What if restaurants used Ryan Gosling as a hot scale instead of peppers? Like, our salsa is three Ryan Goslings. 

4: I can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse that I can read both "push" and "pull" backwards.

5: Sometimes I think I'm stylish and then I realize I'm wearing sweatpants with winged eyeliner.

6: Do you think men have less wrinkles because they workout their facial muscles everyday when they shave?

7: Do strippers automatically get a week off every month?

8: When your mom adds her maiden name to Facebook it’s like a bat signal for old flames.

9: Sometimes I’m glad I didn’t let society change me, and then I look back at old photos and wish I had.

10. People say things are "not too shabby" but never just "shabby." Why?

11: Do you think dogs know what kisses are or do they just think we are petting them with our mouths?

12: Utah's new tagline: More than Mormons.

13: I would give anything for Netflix to create a button that allows you to skip the theme songs of TV shows.

14: My biggest fear is becoming an internet meme.

15: I'll never forgive Craigslist for ruining the word "casual."   

16: Adulting to me means owning tupperware that wasn't previously a container of butter.

17: I wonder how many babies will be named Harambe in 2017.

18: Incentive for going to work: less time at home means less money on toilet paper.

19: I love onions so much that sometimes I'm not sure if I'm smelling onions or B.O. and I still get hungry.

20: High fives are the best way to celebrate. It's minimal touching with maximum excitement.

21: Remember when Rosie O'Donnell had her own TV show?

22: There should be an award show that recognizes actors who do TV reenactments (think: Untold Stories of the E.R.) 

23: I like to think if I wasn't in advertising I would be in a hip hop dance crew. 

24. I don't like brunch. There, I said it. 

25. The next election will be in 2020. Do you think America will be seeing clearly by then?