THIS IS WHAT MY TWITTER WOULD LOOK LIKE IF I HAD ONE.
1: Technically, isn't every photo a throwback?
2: Poosting: The posting of stupid shit.
3: What if restaurants used Ryan Gosling as a hot scale instead of peppers? Like, our salsa is three Ryan Goslings.
4: I can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse that I can read both "push" and "pull" backwards.
5: Sometimes I think I'm stylish and then I realize I'm wearing sweatpants with winged eyeliner.
6: Do you think men have less wrinkles because they workout their facial muscles everyday when they shave?
7: Do strippers automatically get a week off every month?
8: When your mom adds her maiden name to Facebook it’s like a bat signal for old flames.
9: Sometimes I’m glad I didn’t let society change me, and then I look back at old photos and wish I had.
10. People say things are "not too shabby" but never just "shabby." Why?
11: Do you think dogs know what kisses are or do they just think we are petting them with our mouths?
12: Utah's new tagline: More than Mormons.
13: I would give anything for Netflix to create a button that allows you to skip the theme songs of TV shows.
14: My biggest fear is becoming an internet meme.
15: I'll never forgive Craigslist for ruining the word "casual."
16: Adulting to me means owning tupperware that wasn't previously a container of butter.
17: I wonder how many babies will be named Harambe in 2017.
18: Incentive for going to work: less time at home means less money on toilet paper.
19: I love onions so much that sometimes I'm not sure if I'm smelling onions or B.O. and I still get hungry.
20: High fives are the best way to celebrate. It's minimal touching with maximum excitement.
21: Remember when Rosie O'Donnell had her own TV show?
22: There should be an award show that recognizes actors who do TV reenactments (think: Untold Stories of the E.R.)
23: I like to think if I wasn't in advertising I would be in a hip hop dance crew.
24. I don't like brunch. There, I said it.
25. The next election will be in 2020. Do you think America will be seeing clearly by then?
26. You know how pools have adult swim? I think coffee shops should have quiet time. Just 10 minutes, every hour, where everyone has to be silent.
27. A desk or table for one? Life hack.
28. I wish I could be as trusting as the people who check their bags at the airport.
29. Have you ever seen something really out of place? Like if you walked into someone's house and saw their trashcan next to their laundry basket. That's how I feel when I see old people outside of their house past 9pm. Like, what? Don't you eat dinner at 4pm? Are you having breakfast now? Is this the morning for you?
30. My biggest fear is looking under a bathroom stall and seeing someone looking back.
31. Do you ever see someone in public and think, "damn, now I understand how 'missed connections' got started."