THIS IS WHAT MY TWITTER WOULD LOOK LIKE IF I HAD ONE.
1: Technically, isn't every photo a throwback?
2: Poosting: The posting of stupid shit.
3: What if restaurants used Ryan Gosling as a hot scale instead of peppers? Like, our salsa is three Ryan Goslings.
4: I can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse that I can read both "push" and "pull" backwards.
5: Sometimes I think I'm stylish and then I realize I'm wearing sweatpants with winged eyeliner.
6: Do you think men have less wrinkles because they workout their facial muscles everyday when they shave?
7: Do strippers automatically get a week off every month?
8: When your mom adds her maiden name to Facebook it’s like a bat signal for old flames.
9: Sometimes I’m glad I didn’t let society change me, and then I look back at old photos and wish I had.
10. People say things are "not too shabby" but never just "shabby." Why?
11: Do you think dogs know what kisses are or do they just think we are petting them with our mouths?
12: Utah's new tagline: More than Mormons.
13: I would give anything for Netflix to create a button that allows you to skip the theme songs of TV shows.
14: My biggest fear is becoming an internet meme.
15: I'll never forgive Craigslist for ruining the word "casual."
16: Adulting to me means owning tupperware that wasn't previously a container of butter.
17: I wonder how many babies will be named Harambe in 2017.
18: Incentive for going to work: less time at home means less money on toilet paper.
19: I love onions so much that sometimes I'm not sure if I'm smelling onions or B.O. and I still get hungry.
20: High fives are the best way to celebrate. It's minimal touching with maximum excitement.
21: Remember when Rosie O'Donnell had her own TV show?
22: There should be an award show that recognizes actors who do TV reenactments (think: Untold Stories of the E.R.)
23: I like to think if I wasn't in advertising I would be in a hip hop dance crew.
24. I don't like brunch. There, I said it.
25. The next election will be in 2020. Do you think America will be seeing clearly by then?